Secrets
What happens when what can’t be said… has to be carried alone?
You’re welcome to listen to me read this piece… sometimes hearing the words changes how they land.
I hate secrets. Yet I keep them all the time as an important part of my work.
Most of my clients have some big ones they've held onto for years. Many have been the secret vault for their family—unable to do much with them except keep them inside.
When someone asks, "Can you keep a secret?" I feel a tightness in the pit of my stomach. A part of me doesn't feel honored. But I know they just need my help dealing with the pain they've had to carry alone.
As a therapist, I take the time to unpack it and understand why it was locked up inside. I hear about the big ones and the shame that got internalized—keeping them stuck in the past… making it difficult to know when it's safe to share rather than hide.
Unpacking secrets can be revealing. Clients sometimes keep secrets about their secrets. I don't need to hear every detail. I just need to get a sense of the meaning they’ve come to hold about themselves by keeping the secret.
Let's take an example. A man reveals he was never told that the man who raised him was not his biological father. He asked his mom, and she said, "I didn't want to hurt you. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
The man felt like this was a pretty big secret. Yet he never spoke about it… and never thought it might have anything to do with his anxiety and depression—let alone his relationship with his wife.
As we explore what got wired in, he begins to connect to his fear of expressing feelings… and to why he gets angry so quickly—even his infidelity and chronic use of marijuana to dull his pain.
More and more secrets—covering up the shame—creating layers of trauma inside himself and in his relationships. Yes… his mother's secret did hurt him.
Secrets are pervasive. They spread in many directions—like weeds in a garden. Clients keep secrets from their therapists—and sometimes therapists keep secrets from them.
So how do you stay out of the weeds?
I grew up with "I've Got a Secret"—on TV… and in my family. I guess I'm still playing that game. I wonder when the next secret will surface—and when the wounded child will stop hiding and finally say, "Stop lying to me."
Instead, I lean in and gently say, "I'm sure that’s been hard—to keep a secret. What would you feel if you didn't do that anymore?"
I ask myself the same question every day.
Gratitude: In appreciation of those who have shared their light and sweetness with me over the years—and received mine.
Confidentiality note: This piece is a composite of many people I know—inside and outside of therapy. Any resemblance to your own life or our shared experience is both coincidental and universal—reminding us that our stories echo one another in the fabric of human experience.
Comments or questions? Email me at mcecilvt@aol.com. Feel free to share these words—and this blog—with anyone you hold close or long to be held.
About the author: Marc Cecil is a doctoral-level licensed psychologist, certified AEDP supervisor, approved EMDR consultant, and senior CSRT consultant. An experienced psychotherapist, supervisor, consultant, and teacher, Marc uses an integrated-experiential model grounded in our capacity for adaptive change to help people heal from complex relational, developmental, and transgenerational trauma.
Dr. Cecil lives in Vermont near the shores of Lake Bomoseen, where his heartfelt stories and images of connection arise from the light of invisibility—bringing life to therapy and therapy to life.