The Bigger Question

If you had asked me when starting high school, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have said, “I want to make a difference.”

My beloved English teacher affectionately called me her “last angry man” when she would read my weekly journal. It was a confusing time—similar in some ways to what’s happening now.

As I sit with patients and other therapists, the fire has died down, but the light is still shining—brighter than ever. I still want to make a difference—and I believe that we all can. But I believe that we need to look at the bigger picture rather than randomly cutting down trees in the vast forest of life—an effort that leads nowhere and leaves us feeling even more lost and empty.

Here’s a brief dialogue with a dear young woman I call Miriam (but it could be anyone), where I attempt to explore the bigger question to help her discover the path of light that will lead her out of darkness.

Therapist: What do you want to work on today?

Miriam: I don’t know. I keep thinking about how this is going to be too hard.

Therapist: Thank you for being so honest with me about how you’re feeling inside. I understand that it can feel overwhelming to talk about yourself after so many years of learning to hide from people who couldn’t hear you. But you‘re here now because I think you know that you deserve to be listened to and understood.

Miriam: (tearful, voice rising) I do… but why do I still believe that I‘m a bad person and that everything is my fault?

Therapist: I think that goes back a ways, and is a wounded child part telling you not to forget about them—and I won’t. You know that picture I have on my blog of a baby putting their arms in front of their face as the mother looks at them with no expression—a still face. The child reaches out, but no one reaches back to hold them.

Miriam: I haven't seen your post yet, but I remember reading about that study in my Psychology class.

Therapist: The science shows that this happens in just seconds. Fortunately, when the mother resumes normal interaction, the baby corrects quickly. But what do you think happens more often than not in real life?

Miriam: (eyes wide, tears forming) Yeah… I know what that's about. There isn't a correction. The baby learns to hide and hate themselves… (looking down)

Therapist: Yes… (gentle, assuring voice becoming firmer) I know that you are here now because you want to help the child inside who didn’t do anything wrong. You can help her realize she doesn’t live in the past anymore. She lives in your heart now, and you can reach out to her and hold her.

Miriam: Wow, how can I do that?

Therapist: I'll help you. But first, I want you to slow things down so you can look at the big picture—the Core Self—the person you were born to be. So stay with me—and imagine that little one inside of you. What do you think she would like to believe about herself if she were loved in the way she deserved?

Miriam: (eyes softening, breathing slowing) Wow. That’s interesting. I’m starting to breathe more easily.

Therapist: You’re doing great. Stay with me and stay with that little one, as you hold the belief about the person she was always meant to be… What do you know about yourself now?

Miriam: I know I’m a good person who deserves to be listened to and has a lot to offer others.

Therapist: Yes… I love what you just said. You are a person who deserves to be listened to and has a great deal to offer the world. That’s your Core Self. That’s always been true.

Miriam: Oh my God. I have this feeling of a big balloon inside of me that’s starting to deflate.

Therapist: Wow… That’s your healing. The balloon is releasing the pressure that's been weighing you down. Just breathe and feel how your adult self, connected to the Core Self, has the power and is lifting you up. The little one is safe in your heart now, knowing that you truly care and aren’t alone.

Miriam: Thanks... That was big. That’s the big picture. I don't feel so lost.

Therapist: So what’s the bigger question now?

Miriam: Give me a minute to let this sink in… (long pause, looking up to meet my eyes) The bigger question is: How do I continue this way of thinking and bring it into my life?

Therapist: This was an ending in some ways, but it‘s also just the beginning. That’s our work, and through it all, I believe you’ll be amazing and bring your light to the world. You’re already doing that. That’s your transcendence, your Core Self guiding you forward.

Miriam: I think I can do this. I can do this. It’s already happening.

Therapist: Yes… Take a moment to feel this in your body, in your heart, and in your mind, so you won’t forget this moment—and the light inside.

Miriam: (smiling) Thank you... That was big. I never experienced that before.

Therapist: (with heartfelt delight) Feel my joy, and your own. Feel your passion, your courage. That’s your truth. Now is your time to live again with your inner light guiding the way—so you can lead others in the way you were always meant to be. So others belong and don’t stand alone.

(Therapist writes later in his journal)

As I reflect on what happened today, I know that I can make a difference. The passion—and even the anger I feel about needless suffering—can fuel my resolve rather than deplete it.

Now I see the bigger picture, and I can help to spread the light around the world. I am different—and I can make a difference.

Here’s the bigger question: How can we all do this? Keeping in mind what we learned about ourselves that isn’t true, let’s slow it down and go back to the first question: ”What would you like to believe about yourself?”

The answer doesn’t have to come all at once. It's part of our experience together. Sometimes it arrives slowly, but it’s actually faster—because it's carried across generations. So much loss. Too many years.

You are here now—not living in the past. You can look forward and walk across the big sea in front of you, like others have done before—not alone but together.

What do you believe about yourself now? Hopefully, it feels a little easier than before, as if a couple of pieces of the big puzzle came together—and you can see that you are part of something much bigger.

It’s not just the child stuck in the past. It’s the person you’re becoming—the person you always were—for a thousand years.

All patient stories are composites or fictionalized to protect privacy and honor confidentiality.

Comments or questions? Email me at mcecilvt@aol.com. Feel free to share these words—and this blog—with anyone you hold close or long to be held.

Dr. Cecil is a licensed psychologist, certified AEDP supervisor, approved EMDR consultant, and senior CSRT consultant. He specializes in treating complex relational, developmental, and transgenerational trauma, bringing therapy to life through heartfelt stories and images of connection and healing that emerge from the light of invisibility.