Unintentional Errors
Another signature piece to help you experience my heart and feel your own.
Read or listen…
Everyone misses something from time to time.
Sometimes… it’s forgetting to do something we promised to do.
Sometimes, it’s hearing something wrong—assuming something‘s wrong about us… or assuming what’s wrong about the other person without taking time to check it out. That’s something I’m good at but not always proud of.
I often think of unintentional errors as the universe telling us something we need to hear. They open up possibilities for the future we can’t always see, particularly if we’re stuck in trauma brain—with our hands hiding our eyes.
No need to live in shame anymore. Unintentional errors are often a gift in disguise.
Perhaps it’s a wounded child part that helped us survive in the past, but the ways it learned to cover up the pain make it difficult to deal with the challenges we face in life now.
Maybe it’s just a way for the universe to thank us for all that we do… for the person we are and the person we were always meant to be.
Let’s sit in the light of invisibility a while and see where it takes us. Just press pause and slow it down if it feels like I’m talking too much. No offense taken.
Whatever you do, try to keep the door open if you can. You never know what’s going to happen next.
I know that I need to stay in the experience and trust the process. It just helps me to know that you’re here and that you’re listening… and that you care. I trust that you‘ll also feel this way when you’re connected to the light. Feel free to take in some of mine if it’s hard to feel your own.
Sometimes, errors can be traumatic if we’re alone and don't know how to protect ourselves.
We call them acts of commission. These are things that were done to us or we've done to others that violated their rights and personal space.
On the other hand… and often at the same time, there are also acts of omission. These are things that we needed to happen but didn’t, at least on a consistent basis.
Although there were many more acts of omission, they weren’t always so obvious. They were often just part of normal life. The person wasn’t always aware they were happening… or aware of their impact on themselves or others back then—or even now.
Does this ring a bell?
Like being neglected as a child by those who were responsible for giving us the attention we needed and deserved—either physically or emotionally… or both.
It bothers me when those trying to help us do it too—unintentionally of course, but often not recognizing it… and apologizing. So sorry if this happened to you, and if you’re feeling that way with me… I’d love to talk about it more.
Although I know that we still have a lot to learn in the healing field, it still bugs me that neuroscientists used to believe that there were permanent changes in the brain as a result of trauma.
Yes, trauma can change the brain in ways that can last for years—transferring across generations and cultures. But the brain is more malleable than once believed…
And even if trauma does change the genetics we are born with, we’re here now—not stuck in the past anymore. So why not look at the possibilities and see what can change?
To make things worse, people are often put on medication for problems rooted in childhood trauma, but are sometimes never referred for therapy—often making the medication soup a little thicker and less tasty over time.
When I notice this happening, I sometimes ask myself if this is an unintentional error. But I don't want to make excuses for things that are our responsibility. That’s just another accident waiting to happen, and I don't want to sit back and let it happen again.
I know I can't save the world—not my circus, not my monkey. But I can do my part to make it a little brighter… and safer.
It’s just a reminder that I have to listen to any of my child parts in the room first, and reassure them that they’re safe inside my heart… and I’m driving the car now.
Whoa Nellie, hold your horses. I hear the voice of a child part asking, “Then why did mom die? The doctors said it wasn‘t their fault. But that shouldn’t happen with a routine medical test. Should it?”
Touched deeply by their words, I pause… and reach out my arms to the little one, softly saying, “If mom was here, I think she would hold you close and let you know that it may have been an unintentional error. But she was tired, and it was just her time—not an error, a blessing in disguise.”
I gently add, “I know, little guy, it’s been hard without her, but she had confidence that you would grow up to be a man who would continue to offer his light to many in the world. She’s home now in heaven, and her light shines down on all of us.”
Feeling the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, I imagine a warm hand close to my own as the tears flow. My chest puffs out as I type these words: So what can I do? Just what I'm doing—helping people see the meaning that got wired in from old trauma—showing them how they can be their own internal caregiver… not the victim.
Pretty simple, right? No, probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s not perfect by any means. But it helps people know they have the power inside to heal, and to spread their love to others when they feel invisible. Their Core Self still makes healing possible.
After all, we’re no longer stuck in a time where clients would lie on a couch and never saw their therapist’s eyes or heard them speak.
Maybe that was a Freudian slip—not just my own. Even with everything we’ve learned, the old patterns don’t simply disappear. And it can get hard to feel listened to after a while if you’re only talking to yourself.
Some people find it difficult to feel like anything good can happen and do things to sabotage themselves. Even if they aren't conscious of it and it isn't their intention, that doesn’t mean they’re not responsible.
I know that may sound cold to some of you. But I think it’s the most compassionate thing we can do when we empower people to face their child parts—and don’t collude with either theirs or our own.
I hope you’ll agree that the most important thing about making a mistake is being able to make a correction. You know… to feel what is true now that you didn’t know was true back then because no one was listening. Maybe they cared but didn’t know how to listen.
But sadly, for many… they just didn't care and weren't listening.
That’s the tragedy, which has led to many people across generations and cultures to believe that making a correction was impossible—feeling trapped in time.
It might help to keep this in mind when building peace treaties inside ourselves and between others in our lives… and around the world.
New technology can be useful but we have to be careful so it doesn’t disconnect us further from ourselves or one another. It works a lot better when we actually take the time to listen and get to know each other, especially with those who can't see the light in us or themselves.
Where does this take you? I’m still with you, kiddo—not just holding the light for my own little ones, but for you, too, as you hold it for your own.
I know that it’s hard. But as a popular book reminds us: “We can do hard things.” We don’t need to say things perfectly. It’s just important to be real. That’s what helps people know that we care—to trust themselves... and each other.
I hold the hope of Core Self integration… and coming back home. A very deliberate and intentional practice—but different. We don’t want to get so focused that we lose the big picture, and what’s going on between the lines.
Yeah, that’s just me. And, you too. Stick with it. Don’t give up. It often gets hardest before we reach the end. My dad would tell me that a lot. It turned out to be true for him… and definitely for me.
When things get hard, don’t run for the hills or check out. Check in and stay with your Core Self. The light inside will guide you back home. You may not know what this feels like at first, but over time you will.
I'll say it again. That doesn’t mean you need to be perfect. No one is perfect. In fact, being perfect is not what being a good therapist is about—or a good person.
If this comes up for you and you feel stuck, imagine me sitting on my back porch, my favorite room in our house, sharing some humble pie and öl brew with my wife or some old friends and family. I’ll be holding the hope that you’re finding your own favorite place, too.
Enjoy the light and make the impossible possible… But then again, be realistic and accept the obvious truth, even when it’s painful.
Yeah—fuck you… and fuck me, too.
Sorry if this offends you. Not really, just my way of keeping things in balance—letting you know that I’m human too. It’s my body, mind, and soul keeping the score in a good way.
Some things are pretty intentional and not an error. Words to live by—my truth. I’m sure you have some of your own. I’d love to hear them sometime and learn more together. Feel free to swear. It helps me feel your realness.
Or just scream at the top of your lungs in your car at a quiet traffic light or stop sign. I would do this with my daughter from time to time when she was a little girl and having a bad day. She’d look at me like I was crazy at first, wondering who might see us. Then she would scream too, and we’d laugh together. Quite a sight. Still in my heart, feeling close to my daughter… maybe a few others watching, too.
Enjoy the light. Believe. Everything is possible… at least for someone—even if you don’t think it’s you—yet.
I’m still holding the light, so you can too. We all can. No unintentional errors—just lots of doors to go through first.
Wow… more to say I’m sure. But time to rest before we continue on this journey. Hopefully, you’ll recognize yourself when you see me.
Just playing together in the light of invisibility… back home again.
Curious about öl brew? Learn more here.
Dedication: To all those on this journey of heart, moving from room to room, remembering themselves—and who we are together.
Gratitude: With appreciation for those who have shared their light and sweetness with me over the years—and received mine in return.
Confidentiality note: This piece was inspired by someone close to my heart, but is a composite of many people I know—inside and outside of therapy. Any resemblance to your own life or our shared experience is both coincidental and universal—reminding us that our stories echo one another in the fabric of human experience.
Comments or questions? You’re welcome to reach me at mcecilvt@aol.com. Feel free to share these words—and this blog—with anyone you hold close… or long to be closer to.
About me: Besides being a writer, Marc Cecil is a doctoral-level licensed psychologist, certified AEDP supervisor, approved EMDR consultant, and senior CSRT consultant. An experienced psychotherapist, supervisor, consultant, and teacher, Marc uses an integrated experiential model called Core Self Integration Therapy (CSIT)—grounded in our capacity for adaptive change—to help people heal from complex relational, developmental, and transgenerational trauma. Some refer to it as Elephant Work.
Dr. Cecil lives in Vermont near the shores of Lake Bomoseen, where his heartfelt stories and images of connection arise from the light of invisibility—bringing life to therapy and therapy to life.
Stay tuned for more as this living model continues to grow within and between us.